Why I Am Not President

Sparrow has run for president of the United States four times. This is the third of his campaigns to be documented in The Sun. His 1992 run resulted in “My Campaign Diary” [September 1992], and his 1996 foray was chronicled in “Why Didn’t You Vote for Me?” [May 1997] and in his book Republican like Me (Soft Skull Press). Below is the record of Sparrow’s 2004 effort. In keeping with modern life, he campaigned almost entirely by e-mail (although he did make a rare live political speech at The Sun’s thirtieth-anniversary gathering in Chapel Hill, North Carolina).

Sparrow’s take on Republicanism is inspired by a book he read as a youth, titled Abraham Lincoln: Selections from His Writings and published by the Communist Party. In the book, Sparrow says, the famous Republican president “sounds like an Illinois version of Karl Marx.”

— Ed.

On January 19, 2004, the day of the Iowa caucus, I decided to run for president. Perhaps, in my tiny way, I reasoned, I can prevent America from becoming a Jesus-flavored neofascist empire. So I announced to the world (or, at least, to the portion of it that is on my e-mail address list) my candidacy for the Republican nomination. My campaign had begun.

January 23, 2004

Dear Sister and Fellow Republicans,

We must free ourselves from chicken, Christianity, and commerce, by which I mean chicken dinners, the worship of Jesus Christ, and overlarge, unaesthetic corporations.

As for poultry, I pledge: No animals will be hurt in the making of my presidency.

And as for the supposed “Christianity” that now rules the Republican Party: why this strange obsession with homosexuality and prayer? I am the first presidential candidate to clearly state that homosexuality and prayer are not opposites. In fact, they are identical: every gay act is an act of prayer, and every prayer is gay.

“It’s gay to pray!” will be the first — and most important — of my campaign slogans.

Note: Under no circumstances should anyone vote for me in the national election (unless you would vote for Bush otherwise)! If a Democrat were to vote for me, it would be a charmless and fatalistic act.

February 17

We Republicans must preserve our proud symbol: the elephant. This majestic, sage creature has been ignored — except by political cartoonists — for decades. Let us return this cautious yet massive animal to our political campaigns! I propose we hold the 2004 Republican National Convention in India, where actual elephants may surround our podium and trumpet during poignant moments.

We must also strive to free our party from capitalysticism — the monstrous offspring of capitalism and mysticism. Clearly God is not a capitalist. God has never set up a corporation, and he has no interest in making a profit. In fact, the Godhead loses money year after year.

March 1

Have you noticed how presidential candidates always seem so certain of everything they say? Even Dennis Kucinich will boldly declare, “Solar power is a valid energy commodity.” But how does he know? How do they all — especially George W. Bush — know?

The answer is that they don’t. They are unknowing, like everyone else. They only appear wise due to fakery and theater. I am the only candidate to proudly announce, “I don’t know!” I speak for a new America, which embraces the politics of doubt. Let me express myself in a poem:

Hymn To Doubt

O Doubt,
begetter
of all
science,
Zen
Buddhism,
and the
poems
of Emily
Dickinson,

bless
my campaign,
and save
me from
the clutches
of fake
faith.

Inspire me
to offer
a newer
message
to America. . . .

[I cannot figure out how to end this poem, as I have begun to doubt the poem itself.]

Let us reconsider many of our national slogans. For example, “America: we’re number 1” could be replaced with “America: perhaps we’re number 37?” And let us change the motto on our dollar bills to “In doubt we trust.”

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