The kind you’re born with, the kind you choose, the kind that teach Catholic school
Subscribe and Save up to 55%
I got a job in a library. Every day I stole a book. By the end of 10 years, every book in the library was in my apartment.
I sat in the empty library, waiting for someone to come in.
One morning I came upon a small demonstration on a street corner. Several men were holding signs that said BRING BACK DUSK, and shouting: “Dusk! Give us dusk!”
“But dusk will come again this evening,” I pointed out to one of them.
“We don’t care,” he replied, with a wild look. “We want it now!”
I went to a self-service restaurant. I made my dinner, ate it, and left.
On the street I saw a man holding a phone.
“With this phone you can speak to the dead,” he said. “It’s only 5 dollars.”
I gave him 5 dollars and called my grandfather.
“Grandpa, how are you?”
“How did you reach me?” he asked.
“I bought a phone from a guy on the street. It was only 5 dollars,” I said.
He began to cough.
“I always get sick when I speak to the living,” my grandfather said. He coughed harder and harder. I hung up.
There is a theory that dreams predict future dreams. For example, if you buy shoes in a dream, that means you will be better dressed in the next dream.
I played a game of chess with Death, and I lost. So I had to wash Death’s car.
I was sitting in a Chinese restaurant when a man walked in.
“What do you want to eat?” the waiter asked him.
The man pointed to the aquarium behind the cash register. “I want to eat that goldfish,” he said.
“We don’t serve that goldfish,” the waiter said.
The man took out a thousand-dollar bill and handed it to the waiter. “I want that goldfish.”
The waiter caught the goldfish in his hand and carried it into the kitchen. Five minutes later, he brought out the goldfish on a plate.
The man ate the goldfish. As he walked out, he said, “That was the worst goldfish I’ve ever tasted!”
My friend the aging poet came to my house and shouted at me: “You are secretly glad my poetry is deteriorating! You know that as my poetry declines, yours improves!”
What could I say? It was true.