I have wanted you, wanted you, out of what? love? need? true love is not possessive, jealousy is a learned response, but oh god, how to let go? how to love you, not own you, how to let you be? tonight you shall be with him and there will be love in your eyes and your hand will close on his hardness and guide him inside you and the truth of that moment will be yours, not mine, and how i struggle with all my devils because, in my fear, i would usurp that moment, steal from you the truth of that discovery.
i lie awake, staring back at the eyes of the night, feeling the awful loneliness, and know that here, in this fear, is jealousy born, here, in this fear, do i make myself less of a man by wanting to make of you less of a woman.
i lie awake and, for a moment, feel oddly calm, oddly detached. i am the spirit of love, i reflect. i am the spirit of creation. i am god. what shall god fear? all is within me. all is love. and i fall asleep, to dream of a man watching me from the shadows, his face terrifying, and i am awake and crying for help, and the tears are hot on my cheek, on your shoulder.
and the rain now, and the pale light of day. and i feel used up already. when do i become whole? when do i begin to live the truth of all i have learned, and allow the love within me to flow as freely as my tears flow now? bastard devils of my past, bastard angels that beckon from tomorrow. i do not want the past and future worlds. i want to be a man, in the world, now. i do not want to lose you. i do not want to keep you from discovery. i do not know where fear ends and love begins. i know only that i want you close to me, here, in this life, in this world, turning to water all around me: rain, tears.