The statistics are clear — nearly 85% of all divorces are related to unsafe housekeeping practices and the neglect of personal appearance by American housewives. These are but a few of the startling facts revealed in a study by Dr. Axel Romany and Ms. Phyllis Lustrum, whose interviews with divorced couples has led to a heated controversy among professional marriage counselors. The report claims that ex-wives commonly believed that their husbands were “lazy,” “unsafe,” or “dangerous” around the house, and that these feelings of insecurity contributed significantly to their eventual divorce.

Kitchen-arguments are the most popular manifestation of a marriage going awry, and according to the Romany/Lustrum report, 14% of all domestic spats lead to serious marital problems. The most severe aspect to these ceremonies of gruff language, slamming doors, and the ever-present potential for bodily injury, is that suppressed emotions surface, leading couples to say and do things that are later regretted. Clearly, kitchen-based family arguments add to the annual score of household “accidents,” and are an indisputable factor to why more people are injured at their homes than from traffic and work accidents combined!

Home safety in the kitchen is recognized as a key element for any successful marriage. A National Home Survey, conducted by the U.S. Bureau of Census does not deny the truth to the Romany/Lustrum report, since in homes where kitchen safety rules were neglected, the accident rate flourished, and these homes often become disrupted, followed by a brief separation and final divorce proceedings. Since three-fifths of all American divorces begin in a kitchen spat, the housewife should familiarize herself with the kinds of lethal weapons she uses in the kitchen, and be on guard for their potential misapplications.

Dusty furniture, hazy windows, stained dishes, odors and yellowed floors can advance a volatile atmosphere in which tempers may fly. Add to this a low food supply and an unkempt personal image and the stage is set for a powerful family quarrel, a potential home accident, and the first step towards a broken family. Romany, himself a divorcé three times over, is a man greatly concerned about the hidden dangers in the kitchen, and presently only eats in restaurants. “I know that eating out is not always possible,” he admits, and so he and Lustrum have compiled a list of helpful hints for faltering housewives, through which they may find safety in their kitchens. “The modern housewife faces great competition from her professional peers,” comments Lustrum, “and if she is to survive all the pressures, she must learn how to make the kitchen safe. We can’t guarantee to save marriages, but we hope to decrease the number of household accidents, and that in itself should lead to happier homes.”

 

The first point of good advice is to NEVER begin cleaning the house during a dispute. This just adds fuel to an already threatening situation. For example, it’s after midnight and your husband comes home grouchy about having spent all day and night at the office, and he comments about how messy the kitchen looks with its dirty dishes, filled garbage can, strewn wrappers, children’s toys, etc. At this point, do nothing! Don’t start cleaning up for this will not cool his criticisms of your work space, but in fact, it may infuriate him even more. The best thing is to leave immediately! A local all-nite cafeteria, gas station, or singles bar are excellent refuges from these senseless and petty arguments, and you as the housewife can thus earn your husband’s respect with one clear and definitive movement. If your life situation has degenerated, and you lack self-identity to just simply leave, you already have the housewife cutesies and should be prepared for endless bickering and potential safety hazards in your family kitchen.

Enraged husbands rarely understand the hidden perils within the modern kitchen. Remember that only you can prevent injuries from occurring at these emotion torn moments of domicile rage. Each housewife should learn how to gauge the negative vibes of her provider, and accordingly adjust to maintain a safe home environment. As a general rule, when times are tough, make the kitchen and yourself sparkle with beams of cleanliness and joy; and as they get better, you can begin sluffing some of the earlier adjustments for home safety. Romany/Lustrum do not dwell upon the obvious causes that lead to family disagreements, like employment, child discipline, reckless budgeting, and the like; these are not the real dangers to safety in the home, but serve as reasons by which we discover harmful applications of objects thought to be “safe.” Be prepared by planning ahead! If you are an average American housewife be well warned that your peaceful kitchen may become a battlefield for hapless and hysteria ridden domestic arguments.

How can one best prepare for accident prevention in the kitchen? This is a legitimate concern for all housewives. Reminders help, so here are some very basic safety tips, which may make your kitchen a safe and joyous place in which to work, and maybe save your marriage:

— 1 —

— Disconnect your gas stove immediately! This winter, your furnace will need gas anyway, so on the grounds of energy conservation insist that you get a micro-wave oven. The early dangers of these appliances giving cancer have now been adequately worked out, and they are much safer than cooking with either gas or electric stoves. Get to know how it works.

— 2 —

— Use only paper plates and plastic eating utensils. These are disposable and greatly reduce dangers of spreading bacteria during the flu season. You may want to make a family game by pretending to go on a “picnic” to the living room, where everyone may eat in greater comfort. (The National Safety Council has shown that the living room is the safest place in the home.)

— 3 —

— Paint all portable appliances a bright Dayglo red. This will remind your family that these things are very dangerous and should not be tossed about freely. Never leave them plugged in, and make sure to bundle all loosely hanging electric cords. (Leave no string longer than 8 inches lying about.)

— 4 —

— Install a wall phone (with a short cord) near the kitchen door, or near a plainly visible window. Have all the important telephone numbers right by the phone at all times. Stay in contact with your neighbors and friends, and maybe ask them to call you at various (unscheduled) times of the day.

— 5 —

— Avoid cooking with grease or oils, especially in times when you sense that your marriage is not going as well as it should. Tight budgets, family stress, employment hassles and other disappointments call for teevee dinners, precut frozen vegetables, cold puddings, pop and other simple fast preparations.

— 6 —

— Don’t overshop. Buy only the foods you know you can eat that day! Storing food is dangerous since it can spoil and poison you. Supermarkets are in the business of storing food, don’t compete with them! This can readily lead your family to dining out more often, and thereby reduce chances for home kitchen accidents.

— 7 —

— Store all dangerous utensils, glassware and breakable china in a safe area. You may wish to use these when entertaining guests, but for daily use, these objects, as well as cast iron skillets, carving knives and rolling pins have no place in the safety conscious kitchen of a happy modern home.

— 8 —

— Prepare for fire. Small CO2 fire extinguishers should be placed at various strategic locations about the kitchen. These are all practical and easy to use. Their noise and billowing white vapors can also add an impressive dramatic touch to safe kitchen arguments.

These are but a few of the basic rules for kitchen safety, and following them will give you great security and comfort in operating your family’s food processing center. Once you have mastered the central ideas of home safety, you will be free to devote attention to the really important aspects of making your marriage work.

Housewives are reminded that the surest way to keep a man happy is through his stomach, and a housewife who has made her kitchen safe from home accidents can begin having fun once again in pleasing her husband and family. Imagine all the wonderful meals that you can create without the constant clutter of those dangerous archaic cooking tools all around you that can only mean trouble. You will be able to plan your family’s meal one day at a time and have plenty of time to groom yourself to avoid displeasing your husband after a trying day. Now THAT is a way to keep your family happy and together!

One way of having a lot of fun in your safe kitchen is to cook new exciting dishes that will surely gain your husband’s admiration. The Great Yukon Blueberry and Spinach Casserole is one dish that will be the rage of your family’s dining pleasure, and is the paramount in cooking joy. In this unusual Andean entree, plain sandy spinach is magically transformed into a work of art that rivals any French chef. With the addition of crispy popcorn and other imaginative ingredients, you can proudly serve it as a main dish. Thick slices of orange pumpkin or squash can add a touch of color for the Supreme version, smothered in the inventive saucery of potato and creamed herring. Finally a dash of cayenne is the final burst of flavor that sets this spinach dish apart from all your other family favorites. This crowd-pleaser has a unique history, worthy of its Alaskan/Andean heritage. If you ever travel in the northwest, just make mention of it, and you will understand its popularity.

Well, that’s all for this month house ladies, and remember: home safety begins in the kitchen . . .

This article is reprinted, with kind permission, from the Little Around Journal, a topical, irreverent bi-monthly newspaper out of Mentone, Indiana. I love it, and you’ll be seeing more of it reprinted here. Better yet, subscribe. $5.00 a year (6 issues) from the Little Around Journal, P.O. Box 541, Mentone, Indiana 46539.

— Ed.