I practice a very special
form of mindfulness
called not-minding-ness.
This has brought me peace and purified
my soul to the point that it is almost
possible to live with me.
My sacred principles are:
Read no newspapers.
Watch no television.
Stay the hell offline.
Do not discuss religion or politics
with anyone dumber than yourself
or smarter than yourself
for in neither instance
will there be enlightenment.
Remain silent at all costs
unless you are being tortured nonstop
in which case it is acceptable
to scream occasionally.
If a spider is crawling over you
let him crawl;
he may well be more evolved
and he comes by his poison honestly.
Above everything be still
and know that this world
means to kill us all
and will eventually succeed.
Relax. The worst has already happened.