Most people say, “I am not a revolutionary. I am merely a liberal,” or, “I am not a revolutionary. I am just a Republican.” Nonsense. Anyone can be a revolutionary. Just follow these simple steps.

Saving For The Revolution

Each of us acquires pocket change every day. We receive this change when buying bagels or the Cleveland Plain Dealer. We use this change to pay for further purchases of the day: an orange, a blow-dryer, etc. What I am suggesting, however, is that we take just five cents a day and place it in a special jar labeled “For the Revolution.”

Your Revolutionary Diary

Your first decision as a revolutionary is what kind of revolutionary diary to use: A small spiral notebook that you buy for sixty-nine cents? An exquisite, hand-tooled leather volume with Chinese lace pages? A stapled-together mishmash of torn-up scrap paper?

Whatever you choose, write REVOLUTIONARY DIARY on the cover.

Don’t feel obligated to write in this diary. After all, you are a revolutionary; you can do anything you want. You can leave your diary blank forever. The important thing is that you now have a revolutionary diary. If you feel inspired, transcribe your plans and visions therein. What if you are as brilliant a tactician as Trotsky, yet lack only an avenue to transmit your tactics? Now you have that avenue.

Your Political Soul

According to Christian theology, each person has a soul. This soul is unique and eternal. Wherever you go, you carry this soul with you. Your mind and body make decisions which affect your soul.

Political theorists believe we have a political soul as well. Deep within us, our political soul reacts to every political event. We cry when a large airplane crashes. We fear war. We despise our landlord. We feel compassion for a child in dirty clothes clinging to a blue-eyed doll.

How will you respond to your political soul? Will you cultivate it, or allow it to languish?

Cultivating Your Political Soul

Consider a political tragedy — for example, American slavery. Envision the face of each American slave, one by one. When you have seen enough slaves, envision the face of each American slave owner.

Feel your political soul enlarge.

Becoming A Revolutionary

Having a large political soul does not automatically make you a revolutionary. A revolutionary believes in total change.

You must begin to believe total change is possible. You can start by changing small things. Take off your socks, and put your right sock on your left foot, and your left sock on your right foot. The next time you buy toothpaste, buy a different brand of toothpaste. When you make stew, add raisins suddenly to your stew.

Build up your capacity for change. Make cassette tapes of all your favorite songs, then record new words over the old words. Continue until they are completely new songs.

Organizing The Working Class

It is time to formulate your revolutionary principles into a flier. Feel completely free in stating these principles. It’s true, I would prefer if you were against racism and capitalism, but this is your revolution, not mine.

And don’t feel confined to words; your revolutionary flier may consist merely of a drawing of a woman upside down, or a footprint of a horse. It’s up to you.

Make ninety-six copies of your flier and head to a street corner. Attempt to hand out your fliers. Notice what happens.

Organizing The Working Class: Part II

Go home and contemplate the results of your organizing attempt. Was it a success? Was it the most embarrassing moment of your life? Do you wish to try again?

A revolutionary need not hand out fliers on street corners day after day. It is very helpful, however, if she at least tries it once.

Sports And The Revolutionary

The revolutionary life is not a dreary one. Revolutionaries may go fishing, play cards, laugh, strum the mandolin, go bowling, even play croquet.

It’s true that, during a revolution, revolutionaries have very little time for amusement, but revolutions are exceedingly rare. In fact, revolutionaries enjoy leisure more than non-revolutionaries, because they savor a break from the continuing battle to nurture a dazzling world family.

Revolutionary Songs

There are a great many revolutionary songs. Nonetheless you may wish to write one yourself. Here are some possible themes:

Why I Am a Revolutionary
How Glorious the World Will Be after the Revolution
How Awful and Tedious Our World Is Now
Have Courage!
Handsome Men Who Are Revolutionaries
Good-Looking Women Who Are Revolutionaries
Why the 1970s Was Not a Revolutionary Period
The Relationship Between the Shipbuilding Industry and the Railroads.
Take Out Your Revolutionary Jar

Take out your revolutionary jar and set it on your kitchen table. Is it getting full?

Seize the revolutionary jar and shake it. Do the nickels make a satisfying thack?

Weapons

There are numerous revolutionary weapons. The human voice is a great revolutionary weapon. Slingshots, snowballs, and mud have aided many rebellions. Soap bubbles and pancakes can be effective tools. Silence is a revolutionary device.

An ordinary pair of scissors can cut the mayor’s necktie in half.

A small container of ground black pepper can cause chaos.

A copy of the Ladies’ Home Journal, rolled up, may start a revolution.

And, of course, there are explosives and guns.

Loving Humanity

A true revolutionary must love humanity. Here’s one way to begin:

Sit on a bench and wait for someone to walk by. Talk to that person. Ask that person questions. Listen to the person carefully. Then wait for someone else to walk by. Talk to that person. Ask that person questions. Listen to the person carefully.

Continue until you have spoken to several people. Then go home and take out your revolutionary diary. Write down all the good qualities of the people you met.

Do this over and over until you love humanity.

Awaiting The Revolution

The revolution may come at any time. It may come before you finish reading this book — or it may occur centuries hence. The most difficult task of any revolutionary is awaiting the revolution.

One must be prepared, but not overprepared. If one is overprepared, one will eventually fall into a deep sleep that will last several days. During that deep sleep, the revolution may arrive.

Visit a fire station. Notice how the firefighters await a fire. Watch how they sit and how they talk together.

Go home and try to imitate their waiting.

After The Revolution

After the revolution you will probably be shot by your fellow revolutionaries. If not, you will become a minor administrator in a provincial town. A revolution is like a wedding. Before a wedding are infatuation and plans. After a wedding is hard work. Before a revolution, a revolutionary leads a daring and romantic life. After a successful revolution, she must erect a distribution system for canned olives.

Hopefully for you, the revolution will never come, and you will lead a thrilling, incendiary life forever.

“Yes, You Are a Revolutionary!” is excerpted from Yes, You Are a Revolutionary! Plus Seven Other Books, by Sparrow. © 2002 by Sparrow. It appears here by permission of Soft Skull Press, www.softskull.com.