An antique dealer, stockbroker, folk singer, Reshad Feild is also a writer whose The Last Barrier is an account of his experiences with Hamid, a teacher of Sufism, the mystical way of Islam.
It is a Carlos Castaneda-type journey — a trip beyond the limits of the rational mind towards a deeper understanding of the nature of reality. Feild writes: “The concepts and judgments of who and what we are, who and what we wish others to be, and what we expect from the environment are the only things that divide us.”
Feild also meets a half-mad woman, a sheik who teaches him the ways of the Dervishes, and other characters who give this ostensibly true-to-life tale the qualities of a good mystery.
We are thankful for permission to reprint the epilogue of The Last Barrier.
Reason is powerless in the expression of Love. Love alone is capable of revealing the truth of Love and being a Lover. The way of our prophets is the way of Truth. If you want to live, die in Love; die in Love if you want to remain alive.
When he has renounced the world so that he does not take to it on account of his (own) desire nor in compliance with the urges of his own self but just to fulfill the commandment of God, he is then commanded to talk to the world and establish contact with it because now there is a portion for him in it which cannot be discarded and which has not been created for any other person.
— Abdul Qadir Gilani
Hamid instructed me to sit under an olive tree, beside an ancient dry river bed that led down to the sea. It had been hot all day, and we had spent the early morning sitting together on the patio before going down to the beach. Now the afternoon breeze had come up, rustling the dry leaves, moving the brown dust in little spirals around my feet. The cicadas sang, a continuous whirr that made me think of the hills above Ephesus. I could sense where the sea washed up into the cove by the bend in the river bed. That was where she would be now, lying out in the sun with the others. Hamid and I had walked here from the beach to spend our last time alone together before my return to London. We had spoken little, content with the dry lazy sounds of the afternoon. Finally he turned to me.
“There is one more lesson I wish to pass on to you,” he said. “In some ways it is the most important of all, but if you did not already know what I am going to tell you, then you would not be able to hear what I have to say.”
Abruptly his manner changed; once again he became the teacher, and I the pupil. “Sit up straight,” he commanded. Your back must be straight so that the energy can flow freely. Without a good flow your understanding will be only partial. Words by themselves are just veils over the truth. If you are not awake, all you will have done is to separate yourself again. Understanding does not come from the senses; understanding comes from itself. It is the overflowing of knowledge which is given as an act of grace for which we must prepare.
“Today we are going together to meet the Perfect Man, the Master who has come to love God so perfectly that God’s attributes pour out through him into the world with no veil between. So far, in our talks and practices, we have been involved only with the work that it is necessary to do on oneself to prepare for the journey. Today you will have a taste of the work to come.
“Be very still, your back straight, your breathing relaxed. Choose the finest quality of air you can in the space around you. Draw it deep inside yourself, hold it for a moment, and then let it radiate from the center as light. Now close your eyes and withdraw your senses from the outer world. . . .
“The initiation you are going to take is dangerous. There are many pitfalls on the way and you must trust me absolutely. If you do not trust, if you lose courage, then I cannot help you and we may both fail to reach our destination. It is extremely important that you listen to my words and do what I tell you immediately. Don’t hesitate, don’t falter; and remember — trust!”
How many times had he said that to me? Once I had thought that I knew what trust was, but then the tests began and I knew the meaning of failure, failure to trust, again and again. It needs so much surrender, and so much courage to be able to trust absolutely. . . .
“I want you to imagine that you are walking along a path in a valley; in front of you is a mountain. Near the summit, sitting outside a cave, the Perfect Master awaits you. You are walking up the path, aware with every step to the earth under your feet. The earth is warm; take off your shoes so you can feel it more easily. Be aware of the deep grass on either side of you . . . can you see the butterflies feeding on the nectar of the wild flowers? And hear the insects? Observe carefully — what do you notice as you walk? Now you see that the path starts to ascend the mountain. It is a steep path, but you must leave the valley behind and start to climb.”
I became aware of the change as I left the valley behind. The feeling was different. All around me pine trees pointed to the sky, each one trying to reach the light. It was dark in the forest, no sun filtered through the trees. The windsong of the branches was the only sound. For a moment there was fear, and then I heard Hamid’s voice once more.
“Keep walking — you have a long way to go. Do not turn back now.”
I walked on up the path. After a little while I heard the sound of water to my left. Turning in that direction, I came upon a series of waterfalls cascading over enormous gray stones. At the bottom a deep whirlpool was formed, a rushing spiral that drew everything into itself and then spun it out in brilliant streams that rushed in and out of the rocks, forming more eddies and whirlpools. I sat and rested for a moment, watching and listening. Suddenly I became aware that the water was alive! Each bubble in the foam released a subtle form as it burst, each stream and eddy called out, “Look, do you see who I am? Can you hear my voices?” I saw that the water was observing me. I was not looking at it, but rather as I realized that it could see me, I recognized what it was and what it was saying. I wondered how I could have spent my life looking at the elements, never allowing myself to be seen, never reversing the space.
Hamid spoke once again. “Be careful. What you see can lead you astray, for it will want to take you into itself. You have seen so that you may understand and eventually gain mastery of certain aspects of energy. That is all. Now breathe deeply; feel yourself purified by the elements of water. Be washed through, and let us go on.”
For a moment my mind went back to the beach. The sound of the crashing water made me think of the surf in the bay. She would be lying there now, with her friends, her skin the color of the sand. Or perhaps she would be swimming, far out by the rocks.
I got up from where I had been sitting and walked on once again. The air was getting lighter and I could see patches of sunlight on the path and under some of the trees. There were fewer trees now; soon I would be above the timber line and onto the rock face.
“Good. You have seen the sun through the trees and flashing on the water. Now I want you to feel the sun on your chest as you leave the last of the trees behind. Feel the sun as though it were for the first time in your life — or the last. It is the early morning sun and it warms every part of you, spreading from the center of your chest through the veins, along your arms, down your legs and then up your back to your head so that your body is warmed through. This is the element of fire that burns out the dross to leave only pure light. Feel yourself purified with the fire of the sun.”
As I relaxed into the warmth of the sunlight I realized that it, too, had an awareness, a voice that could be heard. It was different from that of the earth and the water, but it too spoke to me and led me to itself. Almost at once I heard sounds, voices calling out, “Why go on?” “What more do you want than this?” “We will become one again.”
I could feel my whole body glow and a yearning surged through me that I had not known before, as though some great force had been awakened and was drawing me into itself. I felt Hamid tug at my sleeve. “Wake up! Come on. This is not what you came for. You were shown these elements only so that you might recognize them and gain mastery over these aspects of the natural world and yourself.
“Take my hand now, for there is farther to go.” We moved on together. In the distance the voices still appealed to me, but their attraction lessened as my confidence began to return.
“We are coming upon the last of the elements, the element of air. You must be very careful, for this is the most powerful element of all. In ancient cultures this force was often revered as a god, with its own laws and initiations. You will face a test now, but I will be here as a guide. Remember to trust and you will be all right.
“Now imagine that you are an eagle, standing on that rock. Go on, walk to it. Now let all your limbs become loose like the eagle ruffling his feathers in the morning air. Spread your arms a little so that you can feel the wind between your arms and your body and let your legs be a little apart. Breathe the air. Breathe as you have never breathed before. Be breathed! Let the wind breathe you! Feel the wind blow through your body, between the muscles and the fibers, through the veins, between each atom. . . .”
I let myself relax and tried to imagine what it would be like to be an eagle on the rock. I felt a sense of power — perhaps I could soar on the wind! I felt the air pass through me, separating the atoms from the molecules, passing through the muscles and the fibers. No more was I breathing, I was being breathed! At the same time I felt a wave of dizziness and I became aware that something was trying to draw me off the mountain. I struggled to remain alert, but I could not stop myself from drifting off into a deep sleep. I could hear Hamid’s voice from a great distance, but his words were carried away by the sounds of the air rushing through me. It would be so easy to let go now, to surrender to the wind. It was fine, so easy. I had always wanted to fly into space, away from the earth and the oceans, soaring to catch the thermals, higher and higher in the wind. There was no need to go farther. . . .
I was jarred at that moment by garbled shouting, many voices at once; and someone was shaking me. “You must not go to sleep. You must stay awake. Wake up! Wake up! The wind is trying to draw you off the rock face. You did not come so far to sleep now. Wake up!”
With every bit of strength I had left I struggled to wake. The wind still roared through me, but little by little I could again see what was around me. “Trust — hold on with everything you’ve got. Show this element that you acknowledge it but that one day you will be its master. Then the winds will be your friend.”
I stepped down off the rock, onto the path. “You have now passed through the elements; from here, you are to go on alone. Ahead of you, above that rock, is the one you have traveled so far to meet.”
I had almost forgotten! The Master was there, the representative of Truth on earth. But what was that truth now? Nothing could be more beautiful, more powerful than the elements of the air and fire, the forces of the water and the earth. “Go on, go on. I have been there; now my job is to lead others who have been prepared as you have been. Go in awareness and in humility. He is waiting for you. When you find him, you are to sit about eight feet in front of him. I will remain here, but when you reach him you will hear my voice giving you instructions. Do what I tell you and do not be afraid.”
Then he stopped and I went on alone. The last part of the climb was steep and difficult, and I felt fear; not the fear of death any more, not even the fear of failure, but the fear of that which lies beyond all phenomena, beyond all time and space.
I climbed around the rock. My foot slipped and I used my hands to lever my body over the last few yards. The noise of my feet on the rock was the only sound. My mouth was dry. On the other side of the rock was a narrow crevice through which I must climb. I tried to be awake in every atom of my being, for I knew that he was there. Using my hands on the steep rock face and bracing my shoulders against the rock on either side I pulled myself through.
I was in his presence! For a moment I was too afraid to go forward and I could not look at him. But I could hear Hamid’s voice. “Go on. Do as I told you. Seat yourself about eight feet in front of him. It is all right.”
I sat down, and for a long time I could not raise my eyes. Tears poured down my face; not bitter tears, or tears of grief, but tears of absolute joy and thankfulness. I looked up. I seemed to be looking at one face that was many faces; everything whirled around it, but the face itself was still. The smile he gave me removed my fear; all that remained was that one moment in which was contained everything that had been, and everything that would ever be.
“Feel the perfect love that pours from Our Master into you, the love that shatters all illusion, love that has no conditions attached to it, love that heals and redeems. There is only the Master and you and that Absolute Love manifesting through him to fill every part of you.”
I felt my heart open to his words. I had not known before that love has a sound, but it was the sound of love that seemed to shatter me. It was like no sound on earth and yet it contained all sound. Nothing could withstand the power of it; every part of my being vibrated, resonating to the sound that revolved and spun out from the center. Everything was sound, spinning and circling, moving the planets in their orbits, permeating every molecule and atom. What I thought I was died in it, was drowned in it, was redeemed through it back to the source of life.
Then I heard the voice of Hamid once again. “Do not go to sleep, whatever you do. You must be more awake than ever before. You have been allowed to feel the timeless presence of love. Now feel the light of God pouring from the Master into you.”
Slowly the sound cleared, and I began to feel a glow of pure light proceeding from him into me, penetrating my being, growing in intensity. It came to me first as colors, myriads of sparkling colors within that one light, like fireflies by the ocean. Each one flew to me, burst inside me, blinded me. It was so beautiful that I was captured by it.
“Do not avert your face!” came the command. As I heard those words the colors became still more intense, and then, from the many colors, a perfect shade of blue illuminated everything. It was as though he had become the instrument for a blue light so intense that it blotted out every other color. Gone were the golds of the sun and the yellows and pinks of dawn, the rich reds, mauves, and greens. There was only limitless blue.
I remembered the words, “Do not avert your face,” and from somewhere came the thought that, if one were brave enough and well enough prepared to die in life, then from the beauty of the colors would come the pure white light, the light that makes color visible. I had traveled for a long time and now I felt I could accept that light. There was nothing else that I wanted.
From the moment of recognition of that yearning a change began to occur. First the blue began to shimmer with silver streaks that sparkled with tremendous brilliance; and then, from within the blue itself, poured a blinding whiteness. It seemed to come from the center of all life. It was a light brighter than light, before all the light that can be seen in this world. I surrendered to it, opened myself to it, let it take from me the last shred of my past, purifying me, until there was nothing left of me.
Hamid’s voice came to me from far away. “For anything to manifest in this world it is necessary that the Divine Power pierce the veils that separate us from the real world. Let this power fill you now.”
I was very still, waiting, numbed by all that was happening to me. Then, seemingly far away at first, I heard a rumbling, like thunder in distant hills. The rumbling grew to a roar and I put my hands to my ears to blot out the sound. I realized then that the sound came also from within myself, that there was nothing I could do to escape it. I wanted silence more than anything in the world. I looked at the Master, pleading, but he was completely impassive and undisturbed; the power of the sound simply passed through him. I came to the point where I felt that I could not bear it any longer and then, through the roar, came Hamid’s voice once again, steady and calm. “Do not be afraid,” he said. “Few people are given this chance. You have only to surrender to the power that brings everything into being and you will be safe.”
Again I opened, letting go of all resistance. From out of the sound grew a vision of worlds being born, of whole galactic systems bursting into life, of light crystalizing into form, and I heard a voice saying to me, “Know and understand. For every true act of surrender a man or woman makes a galactic system is born, and whenever a human being finds his true Self a universe bursts into life. Now that you have seen and been seen you may feel a peace that you have never known.”
As the vision faded I felt I had known a glimpse of the understanding of perfection. It was possible to accept unconditionally what is, what has been, what will be. Everything was there. There was neither beginning nor end; the Creator and that which was created were one. Everything is in one moment. Everything is Him. That is the secret of predestination. Nothing has ever happened, for everything is already here.
The overwhelming presence radiated a peace that truly passed all understanding, and there was no more separation. He and I were as one and the peace that I felt from Him was within myself, in the realization of the Unity and Perfection of God. It seemed that there was nothing further to do. There was only to be.
For a long time I sat on the mountain facing him. In realization there is no time. The earth turned, the seasons came and went, men and women were born and died, worlds came into being, all passing through the space in which I sat. All the masters, saints, and prophets throughout time manifested on that stage and as they told their stories they were swept into the eternity of Being. In that perfect peace I realized that all the great teachers were coming out of that presence of Being and passing on their way, just as were the suns and the stars, the lightning and the rain and the children that were being born. Then I heard the voice of Hamid.
“It is time for you to open your eyes. But prepare yourself carefully, for what you see will shock you. This is the last test of this stage of our journey together — the last barrier that you must overcome.
“I want you to bring your consciousness slowly back to the world. Can you feel your body? Good. Now become aware of your breathing. Listen to the breath of your heart, feel the blood coursing through your veins. Move your fingers around a little. Feel your body. Smell the mountain air, taste the saliva in your mouth. . . .”
Suddenly I felt very confused. I was neither in the real world that I had been experiencing nor did I seem to be in the world that I had left in the valley. I could hear Hamid’s voice, but in my bewilderment I did not know where it was coming from. I moved my fingers, and breathed deeply. I tried to become more and more aware of my body sitting there on the mountainside.
“Now, very slowly, open your eyes.”
Suddenly I understood what it was to be completely alone. There was no one there!
I shut my eyes again and tried to understand. Was I dreaming? Where was I? Where was Hamid? Where was the Master, whom Hamid had called “Perfected Man”? I was completely alone, outside that cave on the mountainside.
There was no one there, not even a stone on which he had been sitting. In front of me was the cave. Behind me stretched the valley and the path that I had climbed to reach this place. I did not dare move my head for a moment; I could only try to sense with my eyes what was happening.
“Now turn around and face the valley. Go on! Turn now. Turn.”
Slowly I turned back. “Look out there across the valley. That is your world. In the valley are all the people who are waiting to climb this mountain to know the Truth. And now you have one last task. As your act of dedication in this world you must finally surrender your own life to a life of service.
There was no Master on the mountain. That was a play of imagination, and yet it is so — that until we come to love God perfectly we cannot know love. Love is brought to life within you as you surrender to God so that there is only Him, and thus the possibility of perfected man. All that you have ever needed to know is here, now, within you. As you die to yourself you are reborn in eternity in which everything that has ever been, or ever will be, is waiting to be released to bring life to dying mankind. This is a terrible freedom, but it is the only real freedom.”
Once more I looked about me. There was no one there, no movement on the dust of the path, no stone upon which he had sat. I was alone.
I breathed slowly and silently, watching the rise and fall of my breath. My back was sore where it had rubbed against the rough bark of the olive tree. My legs were cramped and they had lost all feeling. I must have been sitting there a long time. The scene was changing. The valley that stretched out before me gave way to a dried up river bed winding its way down to the sea. Cicadas whirred in the olive grove and in the distance I thought I could hear the surf in the bay.
Then I felt a hand on my arm and I looked up at Hamid. His eyes were deep with love and confidence. He smiled. “Come, Reshad,” he said, “we must go home. They will be waiting for us.”
Reprinted with permission of Harper and Row Publishers, Inc.
Copyright © 1976 by Reshad T. Feild
Reshad Feild will be in Chapel Hill later this month. He will give a seminar at Friendship House on June 24 and 25, from 10 a.m. to 5 p.m. It will be preceded by a public lecture at the Meeting House, Community Church, Purefoy Road, Chapel Hill, on Friday, June 23, at 7:30 p.m.
A limited number of reservations for the seminar are available. Send a stamped self-addressed envelope and a check or money order for $55.00 (which includes lunch both days), to Friendship House, Route 1, Box 204, Pittsboro, N.C. 27312. A confirmation and directions to Friendship House will then be mailed to you.
