Nowadays, the common wisdom is to celebrate diversity — as long as you don’t point out that people are different.

Colin Quinn

What religion a man shall have is a historical accident, quite as much as what language he shall speak.

George Santayana

I’m not intolerant. I just know what it says in the Scriptures.

Jesse Helms

People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.

Dave Barry

Father Michaellod was horrified to find his New Guinea native parishioners all preferred hell to heaven. It took him some time to find out why. On the mission picture, hell was depicted as a place of eternal fire, peopled by dark-skinned beings with spearlike pitchforks. Heaven, on the other hand, was depicted as a place of cloud and mist, among which many white people stood, pale and menacing.

Tim Flannery

We have just enough religion to make us hate, but not enough to make us love one another.

Jonathan Swift

Man is kind enough when he’s not excited by religion, but once the holy holies have got a grip on him he’s capable of almost anything. When a disciple from the wildcat religious asylum comes marching forth, get under the bed. It doesn’t matter whether he’s a Christian, Hindu, Jew, or Muslim. If he’s made up his mind that you need reforming, he will do it with anything handy — an ax, eight hundred years of witch burning or, if necessary, he’ll blow you up.

Mark Twain

Men will wrangle for religion; write for it; fight for it; die for it; anything but live for it.

Charles Caleb Colton

I was walking across a bridge one day, and I saw a man standing on the edge, about to jump off. So I ran over and said, “Stop! Don’t do it! . . . There’s so much to live for!” He said, “Like what?” I said, “Well, are you religious or atheist?” He said, “Religious.” I said, “Me too! Are you Christian or Buddhist?” He said, “Christian.” I said, “Me too! Are you Catholic or Protestant?” He said, “Protestant.” I said, “Me too! Are you Episcopalian or Baptist?” He said, “Baptist!” I said, “Wow! Me too! Are you Baptist Church of God or Baptist Church of the Lord?” He said, “Baptist Church of God!” I said, “Me too! Are you original Baptist Church of God, or Reformed Baptist Church of God?” He said, “Reformed Baptist Church of God!” I said, “Me too! Are you Reformed Baptist Church of God, reformation of 1879, or Reformed Baptist Church of God, reformation of 1915?” He said, “Reformed Baptist Church of God, reformation of 1915!” I said, “Die, heretic scum,” and pushed him off.

Emo Philips

If God created us in his own image, we have more than reciprocated.


There is no religion without love, and people may talk as much as they like about their religion, but if it does not teach them to be good and kind to man and beast, it is all a sham.

Anna Sewell

There are many, many gates to the sacred, and they are as wide as we need them to be.

Sherry Ruth Anderson and Patricia Hopkins

The universe is like a safe to which there is a combination. But the combination is locked up in the safe.

Peter De Vries

Kilgore Trout once wrote a short story which was a dialogue between two pieces of yeast. They were discussing the possible purposes of life as they ate sugar and suffocated in their own excrement. Because of their limited intelligence, they never came close to guessing that they were making champagne.

Kurt Vonnegut

I believe in the incomprehensibility of God.

Honoré de Balzac

All outward forms of religion are almost useless, and are the causes of endless strife. . . . Believe there is a great power silently working all things for good, behave yourself, and never mind the rest.

Beatrix Potter

I dare say anything can be made holy by being sincerely worshiped.

Iris Murdoch

Now we will count to twelve and we will all keep still for once on the face of the earth, let’s not speak in any language; let’s stop for a second, and not move our arms so much.

Pablo Neruda