OH, what I can do with your fingers and my lips . . . Oh, what I can do with your fingers and my lips . . .

The phrase, uttered repeatedly by the foot soldiers of the army of Evan McDonald (great, great uncle thrice removed of Ronald McDonald, who also perfected oral technique), as they engaged the English in combat, ushered in the modern era of oral-digital sex.

Ah yes, thinking back of the turbulent history of mouths and fingers, mouths and toes, not only makes my mouth water, but my toes as well. Toes and fingers, once thought to be good only for the production of hangnails, are enjoying an erogenous zone revival, especially when coupled with the inside of one’s mouth.

Oh, how I envy those who can still get their foot in their mouth. And their tongue between their toes. Reminds me of the incredible increase in athlete’s mouth in Detroit, just after the war. The ’50s were, as most remember, a slack time for oral-digital sexual relations, with the introduction of white socks and television, now regarded as the greatest hindrance in the development of the more subtle and courageous techniques which finally emerged in the early seventies when everyone began bending over front or backwards, trying to meaningfully relate to everyone else. A now classic example of this kind of foolishness was exhibited some weeks ago by 200 University of Vermont streakers, who were hospitalized with frostbite of the above and aforementioned extremities. Now I’ve heard of New England puritanism but that’s ridiculous.